Evaluation-- Forgiveness- Light

One of the ever-present realities of this journey toward Priesthood that I am on is that I feel like I am constantly being evaluated. And I suppose that I am because I am in school right now and I have lots of stuff to do that people with lots of letters next to their names are going to get to evaluate. I think that evaluation is a real struggle for me. You wouldn't know it from the look of things sometimes (because I am kind of a slacker when it comes down to it sometimes) but I am pretty hard on myself. I am much harder and less forgiving to myself than I am to others and they are to me, in fact.

I am probably not alone in this, though. Get a room full of people- especially Pastors and pastor wannabes like me, and you will probably find people who have fairly high standards for themselves most of the time. You will probably find people who care deeply about others and genuinely feel other people's pain and are comfortable with descending into the abyss with others to bring hope. Good, kind, compassionate folks line the halls of Candler Seminary- some of the greatest human beings this world has to offer, truly. But what I have come to realize about myself this Advent season is that I am really tough on myself. And I feel bad that others are probably the same way.

I think that this is kind of a sin, though. Not to compound things and make anyone feel worse- but if you look at sin as something that "separates" us from God, then when we are too hard on ourselves, we are calling bullshit on God's grace. We are hedging God's forgiveness. "I know you forgave me God, but I still feel horrible..." we seem to say. As a wise man told me recently, we have a God who forgives everything..... period.... So, we should do the same for ourselves, since our creator has done it already... Easier said than done.

The same wise man recalled Martin Luther for me and how his confessor, Van Staupitz, said to him once, "Martin you are wrong-- God is not mad at you!!!" Even Martin Luther had a hard time with forgiving himself.

This Advent, good people, I pray for all of us the grace to forgive ourselves, give ourselves a big fat hairy break and the room to bask in the forgiving grace of God. Let us chip away at our darkness this Advent so when the light of Christ comes on Christmas, we can soak it in and share it with everyone else as truly forgiven people. The good news is that God has done the work through Jesus. We just have to believe it for ourselves.